The second and please, Baby Jesus, make it the last, game with Josh McCown at
the helm is our week 14 clash in San Francisco against the 69ers. The attentive
reader may recall that we needed a late Bryant Johnson touchdown to edge past
this lot at our place in Week 8, and with no fresh injuries San Francisco ought
to be the same sort of proposition now that they were then – strong offence,
up-and-down defence.
Jeff Garcia, by far and away the campest quarterback in the NFL, only threw for
67 yards in the game at Sun Devil, but with the 5-7 69ers desperately needing a
win in order to keep their faint wildcard hopes alive I can’t see that we’re
going to get that lucky this time. Of course, we’re still at 6-6 ourselves, two
games back on the Seahawks for the division lead and just one game behind the
Eagles for the 6th playoff seed. So it’s not beyond the realms of possibility
that we could yet sneak into the postseason by the back door.
Alright, it is beyond the realms of possibility.
Considering that the 69ers still have something to play for, it comes as a bit
of a shock that nobody seems to have turned up at Mess Of Potage Park to see the
game. I can only assume that the rain has come as a bit of a shock to the
collective Californian subconscious and they’ve all had to stay home and have a
bit of a lie-down. Puffs.
Still, like we should care. We’re the Arizona Cardinals, we’re used to no bugger
turning up to watch us play.
We win the toss and take the strong-ish wind in the 4th. The Niners elect to
receive the kick, surprise surprise –and surprise surprise some more, we go
quickly from “containing them but not stopping them” to “not even containing
them” – Garrison Hearst spinning and crashing through tackles for what feels
like the hundredth long TD run we’ve given up this season. Bloody hell. ARI
0-7 SF
Still, early days. And our side has been given a lift by the return of Kevin
Kasper, back in the lineup for the first time in six weeks following a serious
knee injury. KK takes the kickoff in, glances up, sees half a gap in the
advancing 69er coverage, pins his ears back and just <i>goes</I> for it. Two
defenders close in, but neither can get a clean hit and Kasper The Friendly
Kick-Returner bursts into open space... unfortunately, however, the ball’s going
the other way, linebacker Derek Smith taking it 25 yards back to the endzone to
make a crisis out of a drama. I can feel a headache coming on. ARI 0-14 SF,
our offence yet to so much as touch the football.
When they get a chance, though, the offence shocks us all by actually doing
something with it. Josh McCown looks much more settled than he did during his
what-we’ll-charitably-call-“jumpy” performance against Chicago, letting Marcel
carry the load but finding the open man without fuss when he has to. The drive
looks stalled when Andre Carter comes whipping off the edge to flatten McCown,
knocking the ball free and leaving us, even after recovering the ball, facing
2nd and loooooong. But the ever-reliable Johnno gets a chunk back on 2nd down,
and on 3rd and 5 the 69ers fail to cover Emmitt Smith coming out of the
backfield and he scampers for 15 yards before a defender can get across and run
him out of bounds. Having shown his touch, McCown then displays his
arm-strength, firing a bullet into the endzone that only Bryant Johnson has even
a chance to bring in – and bring it in Johnno dutifully does, a wonderful diving
take that drags us kicking and screaming back into the game at the end of the
first quarter. ARI 7-14 SF
The problem in the last few games, though, is that our defence really has been
working hard to live up to its billing as comfortably the worst in the league.
We can’t tackle, and we can’t get any sort of consistent pressure on the
quarterback, so we’re constantly in danger of coughing up a big play. Consistant
is, of course, the key word – we get the 69ers to 3rd and 18 following a sack,
but give Garcia all the time in the world on the following play and allow him to
find Eric Johnson, his tight end who crashes through tackles for what feels like
the hundredth long TD reception we’ve given up this season.
Stop me if this starts to sound familiar. ARI 7-21 SF
Even the NFL’s leading rusher of all time is getting in on the act – Emmitt
Smith coughs the ball up trying to convert on a 3rd and 4, giving the 69ers just
28 yards to go to basically put this game away in the second quarter. But for
the first time in about four weeks, our defence shows a bit of fight, and on
consecutive plays Garcia hangs the ball up toward one or other of his running
backs – both times the back gets his hands on the pigskin, both times they’re
hit hard enough to force them to spill it on the way down. Owen Pochman hits the
point-blank figgie, however, and we’re now three scores down with less than
three minutes left in the half - ARI 7-24 SF
Oh, God. That means we have to put it in Josh McCown’s hands.
He doesn’t start half-badly, actually – three quick passes take us to the
2-minute warning and to our 46-yard line. Then I’m forced to ask the coaches
whether that’s really Josh McCown out there as he launches the pass of his
career so far – lofting the ball sweetly over a pair of defenders to allow Bryan
Gilmore to scamper down the left sideline and take us into the redzone. From
there it’s Marcel Shipp And His Cavalcade Of Whimsy, needing just two handoffs
to take us twenty yards and close the gap to ARI 14-24 SF
Just when you think you’ve seen the absolute worst that our defence can offer,
though, just when you think they’ve hit rock bottom they set their collective
jaws, stride out onto the field and damned well start digging. All the good work
that the offence has just done goes for naught in sixty seconds of madness as
the 69ers just fly down the field. Brilliantly, we concede our third and
fourth 30+-yard plays of the game – Terrell Owens just mullering our secondary
for 46, then Garrison Hearst breaking two tackles, cutting inside a third and
leaving defenders trailing in his wake as he goes in from 30 yards out. *******
****, I can’t ******* BELIEVE this ******* ****, what the **** do they think
they’re ******* doing out there, the ****-sucking ****-******* *****? When I get
my ******* hands on them in the ****** locker-room, the ***** are going to wish
they were being ******* ****-****** instead of the ******* ********** they’re
going to ******* get from me! What a bunch of ******* ********** ****
************** ********* ****** **** ***** ******* ***** ******** *************
******* *******-***** ************ *****!
One of the assistant coaches looks nervously in my direction, possibly wondering
how I’m managing to pronounce a string of asterisks. Sigh. That’ll be the half,
then. ARI 14-31 SF
-
We get the ball to start the second half, and not wanting to repeat myself, but
if we’re even thinking about hanging in this game – and indeed, hanging in on
the playoff race – we really, really, really, really need to do something
with it.
That sentiment lasts even less time than usual, as Marcel Shipp fumbles away the
very first play from scrimmage of the 3rd quarter, and in an eerie echo of the
first half, it’s recovered by a 69er linebacker and returned 25 yards for a
touchdown. This is getting silly now. ARI 14-38 SF
And guess what? It gets even sillier. On 3rd and long, Josh McCown goes looking
for tight end Freddie Jones over the middle and somehow fails to notice the
bloke in the bright red jersey standing in front. Interception, and the 69ers
are in prime scoring position once again, but Garrison Hearst is feeling a bit
left out of the whole Festival Of Incompetence thing, and so lets a swing-pass
bounce off his hands and hit the turf... no whistle? Blimey, it was a lateral,
so it’s a fumble! Levar Fisher falls on the rock, and it’s our offence back on
the field once again.
But not for long. Aaaaah – but not for the reason you’re thinking of. The
69ers bring both safeties up in run-support which means that once Bryant Johnson
has beaten his corner, Nate Webster, there’s no-one between him and the endzone.
The 68 yard catch-and-run puts Johnno over a thousand yards receiving for the
season. Which I think is what they call “looking for a silver lining”. ARI
21-38 SF
San Francisco are playing conservatively now, grinding the clock with the run. A
6-minute drive takes us to the end of the 3rd quarter, thank God, and puts them
in position to extend their lead to 20 with a 30-yard field-goal. ARI 21-41
SF
How much more of this bobbins do I have to write up? Oh, McCown throws his
second pick of the day on the ensuing drive, and the 69ers show more class than
either the Packers or the Steelers by yanking off their starting quarterback and
sending Tim Rattay in to mop up.
It’s a messy job, cleaning up after Jeff Garcia’s been yanked off, but someone
has to do it.
More class, then, but crucially not that much more class, as Rattay hits
3 quick passes in a row then we somehow manage to completely lose track of one
of the NFL’s top 5 best wide receivers in the endzone and Terrell Owens dances a
Charleston as “getting silly” has become “gotten silly”. ARI 21-48 SF
Can it get worse? Don’t be ridiculous, of course it can. McCown to Mike Bronson
for pick no. 3, Garrison Hearst from 28 yards for TD no. 3. We grab a couple of
scores in garbage-time once the 69er defence basically stops playing, but the
game’s been done as a contest for the entire second half. Miraculously, though,
even though we drop to 6-7 we’re still not mathematically eliminated from the
playoffs – just a game back from a whole pack of teams at 7-6 chasing the 6th
seed. Even so, it’s been an absolutely dismal performance and it looks as if the
rest of the season is going to be taken up with trying to evaluate which players
will be sticking around for next season. The final score? I don’t remember. Oh,
bloody hell, have it your way then. ARI 35-55 SF - Happy now?
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(c) daniel
roe 2004
